anxious reflections

i realised recently that i am constantly in a state of anxiety, or panic.
like im running out of time.

i think it may be because i have this fear that the peace will break-down before i get a chance to go to sudan... and i am so heavily invested in going.
even though i have no idea what im getting myself into.
also, i feel like this is the one chance to get things right. and effect change for the better. and the consequences of *not* doing that are just so great that i can't afford to not be a part of ensuring that things are going right. i know that is paternalistic

it does sort of feel like being at the edge or in limbo-
i want to go, invest time and energy rebuilding, it feels like'going home'...
but because everything is still so precarious and uncertain... im anxious.

im also trying to understand where im getting this sense of homecoming.
i've never been there. i have no idea what i'll be getting myself into.
i have no idea where i will be going or what i will encounter.
i do think its somewhat related to never quite feeling like i belonged in kenya- always having to explain where im from (sudan) when growing up and someone asked my surname/ and because my surname is 'not kenyan'- where i was from- nairobi not being an option. It's probably also related to having a hard time getting my passport and papers- and spending a year in that state of flux of not knowing what my status was/ if i had any status- that interesting.. state of being stateless.

the irony being that, i have even less of a claim to sudan than i do kenya. at least on paper i am a citizen and i grew up in kenya. my only (current) ties to sudan is my father's name- and the people that recognize me as being my father's daughter. (even flimsier than the birth certificate that says kenyan born that still almost wasn't enough). i have nothing to identify my sudanese-ness. it's somewhat problematic i think.

so there is that.

i am going to spend my practicum next summer in south sudan though. one of my profs felt that it might be dealing with too many issues (personal and practicum related) to go to sudan and that maybe i should go elsewhere, but its almost obligatory for me. i feel like there's no way i could even think of being somewhere else. that there's so much to do in sudan it would be criminal not to go.
again, this sense of responsibility for a place i've never been to. it's curious. and i dont know where i get it from. i do agree that could potentially be problematic-emotionally- if i end up getting caught up in the politics that is my father's side of the family- and i am very dismissive of the southern govt even though most of those folks- are related to my father n'em. and there's a possibility that it will be emotionally difficult- so if i do get caught up, then my summer might not be what i want it to be-

but if i dont, aahh... the possibility of contributing something- of building something and of starting from scratch is very exciting!
oh my god how could i *not* be a part of that?

i feel like school is getting in the way.
i know i cant afford *not* to learn these skills because how else would i be effective
but i wish i could stop time, learn in that stopped time moment, and then start it up again when im all ready to be in sudan.

*that's* the panic. my inability to do that- the fact that time goes by...do i have enough time to keep this up?
will there still be time to make things right?