i cant describe why or how. its just essential
Thursday, July 31, 2008
regardless of all that...
i had a lovely day yesterday.
it was an unexpected national holiday (i.e. i did not know wednesday was a holiday until late tuesday).
its 'matyrs' day, whatever that means- but the day garang died. so they had festivities at freedom square.
i walked into town (about 40 minutes??), spent some time at freedom square, taking pictures of little kids and the crowd and not understanding a word of what was being said/ sang. and feeling ridiculously short as i always do- average height really is 6ft and i was cheated out of that. then went to lunch at the local ethiop/eritrean restaurant and walked back home.
oh, i read about 460 pages of ayn rand's the fountainhead in one sitting. i love the central love story. i feel like i should love the 'philosophical nature of her writing' but instead i love the simple premise of someone who loves (and lives) life entirely and finds the one complimentary yang.
ah!
it was an unexpected national holiday (i.e. i did not know wednesday was a holiday until late tuesday).
its 'matyrs' day, whatever that means- but the day garang died. so they had festivities at freedom square.
i walked into town (about 40 minutes??), spent some time at freedom square, taking pictures of little kids and the crowd and not understanding a word of what was being said/ sang. and feeling ridiculously short as i always do- average height really is 6ft and i was cheated out of that. then went to lunch at the local ethiop/eritrean restaurant and walked back home.
oh, i read about 460 pages of ayn rand's the fountainhead in one sitting. i love the central love story. i feel like i should love the 'philosophical nature of her writing' but instead i love the simple premise of someone who loves (and lives) life entirely and finds the one complimentary yang.
ah!
dirty and unethical
that's how i feel. i've been trying to find the right words to describe why im so reluctant to go finish this degree. or what my discomfort this summer has been.
this week has been a bit rough on me- literally. im acting manager-my supervisor is off- and nothing, i repeat, nothing has gone as planned. i've had to tell two of our drama groups thus far that they can't perform because we dont have any money at the office. its humiliating. initially i was like- well you could perform and we'll pay you before the week is over. but im reluctant to do this because i dont have a precise date- and because i dont trust this organisation, anyway.
i spent most of tuesday arguing with the (new) finance guy who believes its policy that if one wants money for program activities, one must take an advance out from their salary (in this case my supervisor's), pay for the activities, and then show some sorta proof so that the money is not deducted. this just sounds plain dirty and i refuse to do this. after all this arguing, he couldn't even give me 1/3 of what i was asking for, to enable our program activities to continue, because there's no money on-site.
but the unethical is- not being sure this and the other program are...well... right. in terms of needs assessment and the do no harm principle. its a bit discomfiting not being sure whether donor funds followed a program proposal or a program proposal was written to obtain donor funds. that doesn't make sense (it does in my head). but i mean..... are these programs in place because someone looked at the context, and determined that on a scale of priorities this is top? or did a donor have money that they wanted to go to xyz and so the proposal was written in xyz form for the purpose of getting the funding? ugh.
this week has been a bit rough on me- literally. im acting manager-my supervisor is off- and nothing, i repeat, nothing has gone as planned. i've had to tell two of our drama groups thus far that they can't perform because we dont have any money at the office. its humiliating. initially i was like- well you could perform and we'll pay you before the week is over. but im reluctant to do this because i dont have a precise date- and because i dont trust this organisation, anyway.
i spent most of tuesday arguing with the (new) finance guy who believes its policy that if one wants money for program activities, one must take an advance out from their salary (in this case my supervisor's), pay for the activities, and then show some sorta proof so that the money is not deducted. this just sounds plain dirty and i refuse to do this. after all this arguing, he couldn't even give me 1/3 of what i was asking for, to enable our program activities to continue, because there's no money on-site.
but the unethical is- not being sure this and the other program are...well... right. in terms of needs assessment and the do no harm principle. its a bit discomfiting not being sure whether donor funds followed a program proposal or a program proposal was written to obtain donor funds. that doesn't make sense (it does in my head). but i mean..... are these programs in place because someone looked at the context, and determined that on a scale of priorities this is top? or did a donor have money that they wanted to go to xyz and so the proposal was written in xyz form for the purpose of getting the funding? ugh.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
baby pouch
i was trying to describe to someone how they carry babies here. in little pouches made of cow hide. and they carry them on the shoulder like handbags sometimes. i think its quite cute. its hard to describe tho, so here's a picture. the baby was just laying there hanging on a tree.
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=dw2aer&s=3
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2i090f4&s=3
(i cant upload images for some reason
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
existentialism
Already. I think technically I have been here a month. But its more like 2 complete weeks, I think. I still find this place to be a bit warped. Not the community but everyone who has moved in for whatever reason. There’s so much disdain for the local population and its hard for me to comprehend
A few weeks ago I was talking to this Nigerian dude (big UN job) and he was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful Ethiopian women are… and this white fellow (who is an asshole anyway) was like, well how about dinka women. And this dude literally had this disgusted look on his face and was like, oh no. not at all. So white dude was like, oh yeah you only deal with white women or light skinned women. And there I am sitting across from him, a Dinka woman and he has dismissed every one of us. Even here in Africa you have to deal with this kind of shit. And only because we are dark skinned. But it’s like the standard/model of beauty totally excludes us. I don’t even know how to react to stuff like that anymore. I like that people here have a very strong sense of identity and I hope that they retain some of it. While certain aspects of this culture do have/should change – like girls get married way too early and the whole dowry thing….because it amounts to nothing more than exchange of wealth/ property should change too- and the way women are treated….. but I hope we don’t lose that sense of pride in who we are, regardless.
Yesterday, I was talking to these two Kenyan women, they are supposedly as adult literacy teachers- even though they are not trained in it at all… well yesterday one of them was going on and on about ‘these people’ this and ‘these people’ that (hawa watu) and just being soooo disdainful. And I was trying to understand what would make her sooo disdainful- its not like where she lives is that much better than rumbek is (Makueni) and besides, why come here if you cant even respect the people you work with? I don’t get it. And for some reason I take it especially personal… I don’t know. I’ve decided I cant stomach the Kenyans, I cant stomach the international staff. Ugh.
A few weeks ago I was talking to this Nigerian dude (big UN job) and he was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful Ethiopian women are… and this white fellow (who is an asshole anyway) was like, well how about dinka women. And this dude literally had this disgusted look on his face and was like, oh no. not at all. So white dude was like, oh yeah you only deal with white women or light skinned women. And there I am sitting across from him, a Dinka woman and he has dismissed every one of us. Even here in Africa you have to deal with this kind of shit. And only because we are dark skinned. But it’s like the standard/model of beauty totally excludes us. I don’t even know how to react to stuff like that anymore. I like that people here have a very strong sense of identity and I hope that they retain some of it. While certain aspects of this culture do have/should change – like girls get married way too early and the whole dowry thing….because it amounts to nothing more than exchange of wealth/ property should change too- and the way women are treated….. but I hope we don’t lose that sense of pride in who we are, regardless.
Yesterday, I was talking to these two Kenyan women, they are supposedly as adult literacy teachers- even though they are not trained in it at all… well yesterday one of them was going on and on about ‘these people’ this and ‘these people’ that (hawa watu) and just being soooo disdainful. And I was trying to understand what would make her sooo disdainful- its not like where she lives is that much better than rumbek is (Makueni) and besides, why come here if you cant even respect the people you work with? I don’t get it. And for some reason I take it especially personal… I don’t know. I’ve decided I cant stomach the Kenyans, I cant stomach the international staff. Ugh.
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