dirty and unethical

that's how i feel. i've been trying to find the right words to describe why im so reluctant to go finish this degree. or what my discomfort this summer has been.

this week has been a bit rough on me- literally. im acting manager-my supervisor is off- and nothing, i repeat, nothing has gone as planned. i've had to tell two of our drama groups thus far that they can't perform because we dont have any money at the office. its humiliating. initially i was like- well you could perform and we'll pay you before the week is over. but im reluctant to do this because i dont have a precise date- and because i dont trust this organisation, anyway.

i spent most of tuesday arguing with the (new) finance guy who believes its policy that if one wants money for program activities, one must take an advance out from their salary (in this case my supervisor's), pay for the activities, and then show some sorta proof so that the money is not deducted. this just sounds plain dirty and i refuse to do this. after all this arguing, he couldn't even give me 1/3 of what i was asking for, to enable our program activities to continue, because there's no money on-site.

but the unethical is- not being sure this and the other program are...well... right. in terms of needs assessment and the do no harm principle. its a bit discomfiting not being sure whether donor funds followed a program proposal or a program proposal was written to obtain donor funds. that doesn't make sense (it does in my head). but i mean..... are these programs in place because someone looked at the context, and determined that on a scale of priorities this is top? or did a donor have money that they wanted to go to xyz and so the proposal was written in xyz form for the purpose of getting the funding? ugh.